132

Pharaohs ran the ultimate pyramid scheme.

131

There is a difference between a non-profit and a no profit.

130

Nobody cares about second world countries.

129

If your wish at the wishing well was to waste a penny, then you've wished well.

128

Some people say they have a photographic memory, but what they really mean is that they have a photoshoppic memory.

127

The Mexican burrocorn is the less majestic cousin of its American counterpart, the unicorn.

126

It's hard to pick up girls when all you can play is the ukulele.

125

When a white person says "Hi ya!" you should expect a wave, so wave hello back. When an Asian person says "Hiya!" you should expect a karate chop, so protect your neck.

124

The only time recycling is not OK is when people are recycling jokes.

123

There is no synonym for "synonym."

122

Dog food is not the same in America as it is in Asia.

121

Adding the word "free" in front of something will create interest. Ending it with "in your mouth" will create the opposite.

120

It is cleaner to not wash your hands after using a gas station restroom.

119

Shrooms give regular mushrooms a bad name.

118

People who say they'll try anything once have yet to try to say "no."

117

Minimalists are lazy.

116

The only time it is ok to describe something as "magical" is in the month of December.

115

It is subtly racist that Black History Month is also the shortest month of the year.

114

The middle urinal should be the cleanest urinal.

113

No one will take you seriously if you use two or more exclamation marks in a row.

112

Only killer whales are allowed to call themselves killer whales.

111

There are too many different banks with the word "first" in their name.

110

A thick mustache is a good way to cover up unsightly nose hair.

109

Friendship is not the gift that keeps on giving.

108

If someone is not aware of breast cancer by now, they're either extremely unaware of everything or just colorblind.

107

Second chances at first impressions are easier to accomplish if the person you're impressing has Alzheimer's.

106

Ignorance is bliss unless the hospital hasn't called back with your negative test results yet.

105

No one grasps the concept of "sex sells" better than a prostitute, though some may confuse "sex sells" for "sex sales," because sex sells, but cheaper sex sells better.

104

Guess and check is a real man's GPS.

103

A majority of Americans have the opportunity to be millionaires if they round up.

102

Opening a letter with "Dear Alex and Friends," is not the same thing as opening a letter with "Dear Friends and Alex."

101

By voting early, you're making a statement that says, "I have full faith that my candidate is not a pedophile and there's absolutely no chance the news would reveal any such thing tonight."

100

Washing your car the day after a rain storm is like telling God that He didn't do a good enough job.

099

Despite common sense and what logic might tell us, if a polar bear and a black bear had a cub, it would not be a panda bear.

098

Gambling is an investment into how good you think your karma is.

097

"Stop, drop and roll" is also applicable to having fun on a hill.

096

It's plagiarizing unless you're accomplished, in which case, it's paying tribute.

095

The worse-case scenario, in any scenario, is often underestimated. Because the worse-case scenario, for any scenario, is often zombie uprising followed by death.

094

Time seems to be going by faster and faster as we get older, but that's only because the Earth is spinning faster and faster out of its orbit.

093

Optimism is the past tense of pessimism.

092

Ice skating is a high school excuse to hold hands.

091

Giving a gift card as a present is a good way of saying, "I don't trust you with actual money."

090

There are no bad Holocaust movies.

089

Greeks who still worship Zeus and the Greek gods get offended when their religion is constantly referred to as mythology.

088

Don't judge a book by its cover unless the book is about graphic design.

087

When the world is rid of all diseases, poverty, cancer and war, there will no reason for anyone to ever run 5k anymore.

086

Books that are not fun to read should have its page numbers in descending order so that the readers can have a countdown to the last page to let them know when they are finished.

085

Circles are pointless.

084

If the endangered panda bears ever misinterpreted the phrase "less is more" as a reference to their dwindling population, they wouldn't be so cute and friendly towards humans anymore.

083

Labor Day is a slap in the face to unemployees.

082

It'd be more space efficient if coffins were buried vertically.

081

Hyenas do not respect the five-second rule.

080

One should be careful when they say they're a trader, because traitors are looked down upon.

079

Black America hates Disney because the only princess they got as African representation was a lion.

078

There's no "I" in "team," but there's no "v-i-c-t-o-r-y" in "team," either. The only thing "team" does have are the necessary letters to spell "me."

077

Sometimes mistaking a women to be pregnant when she's not can be as bad as mistaking a pregnant women to not be pregnant at all.

076

Having "creative differences" or "artistic integrity" sometimes means "too lazy to change it."

075

It's hard to ethically break up with a leper, but easy to physically break a leper.

074

The backstroke is too comfortable of a stroke to be competitive.

073

Skittles, M&Ms and Advil should all have braille on them so that the blind won't mistakenly swallow Yellow to ease their headache.

072

In the future, racism will no longer exist because everyone will be some mixture of every race.

071

One can say the most outrageous statements in an English accent and it'd be regarded as fact.

070

The American Olympic team should consist of only the Native Americans, Eskimos, Hawaiians and the founding fathers whenever the technology exists.

069

Any game can be turned into a drinking game. Even the game of love.

068

Writing poems in Spanish are easier than writing poems in English due to a majority of the words ending in either an A or O.

067

For the people on the outside, the game is called "Monkey in the Middle." For the person in the middle, the game is called "OK, assholes, this isn't fun anymore."

066

There's no way one can eat a pickle without having it look sexual.

065

Picking your girl up from the airport means it's business time. Dropping your girl off at the airport means it's party time.

064

'Pipe dreams' is just another word for 'drunk ambitions.'

063

Claiming you've read a book when you only listened to the book on tape is like filming a movie in a movie theater and claiming you were the cameraman for that movie.

062

The best remedy for watching a movie that's been spoiled for you is to watch it backwards.

061

Hip hop is just nursery rhymes, but for adults.

060

Giving the peace sign is just a pointer finger away from saying "fuck you" to somebody.

059

People with long faces should avoid getting mohawks and eating carrots, unless their goal is to remind everybody of their horse-like face.

058

Professors who teach and assign homework on the very first day of class lack people skills.

057

Some people wear polka dots because it's fashionable. Other people wear polka dots to blend in, just in case they walk into Dr. Seuss' imagination.

056

The worm that wakes up late doesn't get eaten by the bird that wakes up early.

055

In the future, drive-bys will become deadlier when laser guns become more accessible.

054

When you see a group of motorcyclists, you think "chain gang." When you see a group of bicyclists, you think "team training." When you see a group of unicyclists, you think "off-duty clowns."

053

Skinny dippers contaminate the water just as much as Olympic swimmers do.

052

Saying you're going to get "physically photoshopped" sounds better than saying you're going to get a "tummy tuck."

051

Nothing is more aggravating than finding a pistachio shell without a crack of some sort.

050

A fortune cookie would be more of a fortune cookie if inside was a treasure map, or some pearls, or the actual winning lotto numbers. Anything with significant monetary value, really, will do.

049

One should brag about being modest. No one would notice otherwise.

048

Holding one's head up high with a noose is still, technically, holding one's head up high.

047

As the value of the dollar rises and falls, the only constant is the poor quality of merchandise sold at dollar stores.

046

If the English language made the word misspell among one of the most commonly misspelled words in the English language, one would think that they would put in the same effort to make the word palindrome into an actual palindrome.

045

When one says something is awesome, they really mean the said thing draws a full level of awe.

When one says something is awful, however, they really mean the said thing draws no level of awe. Not even some.

044

Songs sound better when heard on the radio.

043

When one makes a mistake on the computer, they use Ctrl+z. When one makes a mistake in real life, they use a time machine.

042

William Shakespeare was the gangster of drama and an iambic pentameter rapper. Anne Hathaway, his shorty.

041

Sky's the limit for balloonists.

040

It's disappointing to meet an Asian who's bad at math. But it's heartbreaking to meet a colorblind who's also racist.

039

People who park under trees have 'car in shade' on a higher priority than 'car not covered in bird shit.'

038

One mustn't assume that another has a bad taste in film when they say, "I liked The Lion King 2," because they could have really meant "I liked The Lion King, too."

037

The coolest thing that came before sliced bread probably had to be knives. Or regular bread. Or some combination of the two.

036

People who ask others to "think outside the box" are not thinking of phrases that are outside the box themselves.

035

It's easy to confuse BLT for GLBT.

034

The El Camino could've been a truck had it tried a little harder.

033

You're not really friends until Facebook says so.

032

The word "funny" can either be a compliment or an insult depending on whether it's referring to a person's personality or a person's nose.

031

"No diet" is an example of when a double negative results in another negative.

030

Birthdays are yearly reminders that you have avoided death.

029

Sending a photograph by the fax machine is like sending a photograph by text message. But in 1980.

028

In the future, all movies will either be sequels or remakes.

027

Every cloud's silver lining is a thunder storm waiting to happen.

026

There are more mattress stores than there are people in the market for mattresses.

025

People who get tired of eating a lot of crayfish should imagine they're eating a lot of baby lobsters instead.

024

The seatbelt on an airplane serves no real purpose in a life-threatening situation.

023

Whether the glass is half empty or half full depends almost entirely on which direction the contents of the glass was moving. It also depends on the contents in the glass as well.

022

The only real reality show is House of Representatives on C-Span.

021

The 'good old days' excludes the style and fashion trends of 1980 to 1989.

020

Architect majors grow up to be architects. Chemistry majors grow up to be chemists. Asian Studies majors grow up to be Asian Studies professors.

019

Nothing reminds your friend more that he can't use his broken arm than when you sign his cast.

018

The only thing a time capsule should really contain is The World Almanac.

017

The difference between a good liar and a bad liar is the amount of money the bad liar does not have in his bank account.

016

Observing Martin Luther King Jr's birthday on another day besides his actual birthday is like saying, we appreciate what you've done for our country, but we'd appreciate it better if it was a little more convenient for us. Like on a Monday.

015

Horses dream about being unicorns.

014

It is not wise to wear boxers while wearing scrubs.

013

Wikipedia should begin every article with the word 'allegedly.'

012

The only thing sadder than a giraffe wearing a neck brace is a turtle without a home.

011

Size matters. Especially when it's referring to the number of people who thinks using terribly cliche phrases like 'size matters' in headlines and everyday conversation should stop.

010

Similes are like metaphors.

009

It is counterintuitive to get a good parking spot when going to the gym.

008

New Mexicans still celebrate Cinco de Mayo, proving that old habits are hard to break -- no matter which country you live in.

007

In all actuality, a rock can beat paper just as easily as scissors.

006

A poem written by a stalker is less creepy if it is sung with a catchy beat behind it.

(Read: Enrique Iglesias's "Can't Escape My Love")

005

You are what you eat. Especially if you're a cannibal.

004

Nobody really means the second half when they say all is fair in love and war.

003

When the driver grabs the handle above his window, you know you're in trouble.

002

They can make 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner, but they can't make 2-in-1 cavity control and teeth whitening toothpaste.

001

Any camera can become a disposable camera. If you want.