philosophish

138

2010-07-29T22:52:00.001-07:00

Asians can only rap in haikus.

137

2010-06-29T23:47:00.001-07:00

In African horror movies, white people are the first to die.

136

2010-06-14T16:52:00.000-07:00

Invitation is the second sincerest form of flattery.

135

2010-05-07T14:32:00.000-07:00

If your photo doesn't look good after hours of Photoshop, make it black and white.

134

2010-01-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

Gambling is an investment into how good you think your karma is.

133

2010-01-06T23:24:00.000-08:00

Nothing's easier than a Hawaiian spelling bee.

132

2009-10-27T22:00:00.001-07:00

Pharaohs ran the ultimate pyramid scheme.

131

2009-10-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

There is a difference between a non-profit and a no profit.

130

2009-10-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Nobody cares about second world countries.

129

2009-09-03T23:08:00.000-07:00

If your wish at the wishing well was to waste a penny, then you've wished well.

128

2009-08-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

Some people say they have a photographic memory, but what they really mean is that they have a photoshoppic memory.

127

2009-06-09T23:07:00.000-07:00

The Mexican burrocorn is the less majestic cousin of its American counterpart, the unicorn.

126

2009-06-08T23:45:00.001-07:00

It's hard to pick up girls when all you can play is the ukulele.

125

2009-05-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

When a white person says "Hi ya!" you should expect a wave, so wave hello back. When an Asian person says "Hiya!" you should expect a karate chop, so protect your neck.

124

2009-05-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

The only time recycling is not OK is when people are recycling jokes.

123

2009-04-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

There is no synonym for "synonym."

122

2009-03-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Dog food is not the same in America as it is in Asia.

121

2009-03-09T21:27:00.001-07:00

Adding the word "free" in front of something will create interest. Ending it with "in your mouth" will create the opposite.

120

2009-03-06T10:53:00.000-08:00

It is cleaner to not wash your hands after using a gas station restroom.

119

2009-03-05T22:12:00.000-08:00

Shrooms give regular mushrooms a bad name.

118

2009-02-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

People who say they'll try anything once have yet to try to say "no."

117

2009-02-10T17:32:00.001-08:00

Minimalists are lazy.

116

2009-02-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

The only time it is ok to describe something as "magical" is in the month of December.

115

2009-02-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

It is subtly racist that Black History Month is also the shortest month of the year.

114

2009-02-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

The middle urinal should be the cleanest urinal.

113

2009-01-21T21:23:00.000-08:00

No one will take you seriously if you use two or more exclamation marks in a row.

112

2009-01-13T22:25:00.000-08:00

Only killer whales are allowed to call themselves killer whales.

111

2009-01-12T23:18:00.001-08:00

There are too many different banks with the word "first" in their name.

110

2009-01-09T08:43:00.000-08:00

A thick mustache is a good way to cover up unsightly nose hair.

109

2008-12-18T20:31:00.001-08:00

Friendship is not the gift that keeps on giving.

108

2008-12-17T23:56:00.001-08:00

If someone is not aware of breast cancer by now, they're either extremely unaware of everything or just colorblind.

107

2008-12-09T20:45:00.001-08:00

Second chances at first impressions are easier to accomplish if the person you're impressing has Alzheimer's.

106

2008-12-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

Ignorance is bliss unless the hospital hasn't called back with your negative test results yet.

105

2008-11-28T09:43:00.000-08:00

No one grasps the concept of "sex sells" better than a prostitute, though some may confuse "sex sells" for "sex sales," because sex sells, but cheaper sex sells better.

104

2008-11-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

Guess and check is a real man's GPS.

103

2008-11-12T23:46:00.000-08:00

A majority of Americans have the opportunity to be millionaires if they round up.

102

2008-11-11T16:56:00.000-08:00

Opening a letter with "Dear Alex and Friends," is not the same thing as opening a letter with "Dear Friends and Alex."

101

2008-11-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

By voting early, you're making a statement that says, "I have full faith that my candidate is not a pedophile and there's absolutely no chance the news would reveal any such thing tonight."

100

2008-10-11T21:31:00.001-07:00

Washing your car the day after a rain storm is like telling God that He didn't do a good enough job.

099

2008-10-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

Despite common sense and what logic might tell us, if a polar bear and a black bear had a cub, it would not be a panda bear.

098

2008-10-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

Gambling is an investment into how good you think your karma is.

097

2008-10-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

"Stop, drop and roll" is also applicable to having fun on a hill.

096

2008-10-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's plagiarizing unless you're accomplished, in which case, it's paying tribute.

095

2008-10-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

The worse-case scenario, in any scenario, is often underestimated. Because the worse-case scenario, for any scenario, is often zombie uprising followed by death.

094

2008-10-03T01:53:00.000-07:00

Time seems to be going by faster and faster as we get older, but that's only because the Earth is spinning faster and faster out of its orbit.

093

2008-10-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

Optimism is the past tense of pessimism.

092

2008-09-30T19:45:00.001-07:00

Ice skating is a high school excuse to hold hands.

091

2008-09-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

Giving a gift card as a present is a good way of saying, "I don't trust you with actual money."

090

2008-09-12T10:45:00.001-07:00

There are no bad Holocaust movies.

089

2008-09-11T21:50:00.001-07:00

Greeks who still worship Zeus and the Greek gods get offended when their religion is constantly referred to as mythology.

088

2008-09-10T20:00:00.001-07:00

Don't judge a book by its cover unless the book is about graphic design.

087

2008-09-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

When the world is rid of all diseases, poverty, cancer and war, there will no reason for anyone to ever run 5k anymore.

086

2008-09-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Books that are not fun to read should have its page numbers in descending order so that the readers can have a countdown to the last page to let them know when they are finished.

085

2008-09-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Circles are pointless.

084

2008-09-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

If the endangered panda bears ever misinterpreted the phrase "less is more" as a reference to their dwindling population, they wouldn't be so cute and friendly towards humans anymore.

083

2008-09-03T21:39:00.001-07:00

Labor Day is a slap in the face to unemployees.

082

2008-09-02T22:29:00.000-07:00

It'd be more space efficient if coffins were buried vertically.

081

2008-09-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

Hyenas do not respect the five-second rule.

080

2008-08-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

One should be careful when they say they're a trader, because traitors are looked down upon.

079

2008-08-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

Black America hates Disney because the only princess they got as African representation was a lion.

078

2008-08-20T21:46:00.001-07:00

There's no "I" in "team," but there's no "v-i-c-t-o-r-y" in "team," either. The only thing "team" does have are the necessary letters to spell "me."

077

2008-08-19T11:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes mistaking a women to be pregnant when she's not can be as bad as mistaking a pregnant women to not be pregnant at all.

076

2008-08-18T20:06:00.000-07:00

Having "creative differences" or "artistic integrity" sometimes means "too lazy to change it."

075

2008-08-15T16:56:00.000-07:00

It's hard to ethically break up with a leper, but easy to physically break a leper.

074

2008-08-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

The backstroke is too comfortable of a stroke to be competitive.

073

2008-08-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Skittles, M&Ms and Advil should all have braille on them so that the blind won't mistakenly swallow Yellow to ease their headache.

072

2008-08-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

In the future, racism will no longer exist because everyone will be some mixture of every race.

071

2008-08-11T21:57:00.000-07:00

One can say the most outrageous statements in an English accent and it'd be regarded as fact.

070

2008-08-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

The American Olympic team should consist of only the Native Americans, Eskimos, Hawaiians and the founding fathers whenever the technology exists.

069

2008-08-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

Any game can be turned into a drinking game. Even the game of love.

068

2008-08-06T20:15:00.001-07:00

Writing poems in Spanish are easier than writing poems in English due to a majority of the words ending in either an A or O.

067

2008-08-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

For the people on the outside, the game is called "Monkey in the Middle." For the person in the middle, the game is called "OK, assholes, this isn't fun anymore."

066

2008-08-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

There's no way one can eat a pickle without having it look sexual.

065

2008-08-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

Picking your girl up from the airport means it's business time. Dropping your girl off at the airport means it's party time.

064

2008-07-31T23:02:00.001-07:00

'Pipe dreams' is just another word for 'drunk ambitions.'

063

2008-07-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Claiming you've read a book when you only listened to the book on tape is like filming a movie in a movie theater and claiming you were the cameraman for that movie.

062

2008-07-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

The best remedy for watching a movie that's been spoiled for you is to watch it backwards.

061

2008-07-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hip hop is just nursery rhymes, but for adults.

060

2008-07-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

Giving the peace sign is just a pointer finger away from saying "fuck you" to somebody.

059

2008-07-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

People with long faces should avoid getting mohawks and eating carrots, unless their goal is to remind everybody of their horse-like face.

058

2008-07-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

Professors who teach and assign homework on the very first day of class lack people skills.

057

2008-07-22T20:50:00.001-07:00

Some people wear polka dots because it's fashionable. Other people wear polka dots to blend in, just in case they walk into Dr. Seuss' imagination.

056

2008-07-21T23:15:00.001-07:00

The worm that wakes up late doesn't get eaten by the bird that wakes up early.

055

2008-07-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

In the future, drive-bys will become deadlier when laser guns become more accessible.

054

2008-07-17T22:07:00.000-07:00

When you see a group of motorcyclists, you think "chain gang." When you see a group of bicyclists, you think "team training." When you see a group of unicyclists, you think "off-duty clowns."

053

2008-07-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

Skinny dippers contaminate the water just as much as Olympic swimmers do.

052

2008-07-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

Saying you're going to get "physically photoshopped" sounds better than saying you're going to get a "tummy tuck."

051

2008-07-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing is more aggravating than finding a pistachio shell without a crack of some sort.

050

2008-07-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

A fortune cookie would be more of a fortune cookie if inside was a treasure map, or some pearls, or the actual winning lotto numbers. Anything with significant monetary value, really, will do.

049

2008-06-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

One should brag about being modest. No one would notice otherwise.

048

2008-06-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

Holding one's head up high with a noose is still, technically, holding one's head up high.

047

2008-06-25T23:23:00.000-07:00

As the value of the dollar rises and falls, the only constant is the poor quality of merchandise sold at dollar stores.

046

2008-06-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

If the English language made the word misspell among one of the most commonly misspelled words in the English language, one would think that they would put in the same effort to make the word palindrome into an actual palindrome.

045

2008-06-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

When one says something is awesome, they really mean the said thing draws a full level of awe.

When one says something is awful, however, they really mean the said thing draws no level of awe. Not even some.

044

2008-06-20T15:36:00.000-07:00

Songs sound better when heard on the radio.

043

2008-06-19T23:10:00.001-07:00

When one makes a mistake on the computer, they use Ctrl+z. When one makes a mistake in real life, they use a time machine.

042

2008-06-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

William Shakespeare was the gangster of drama and an iambic pentameter rapper. Anne Hathaway, his shorty.

041

2008-06-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

Sky's the limit for balloonists.

040

2008-06-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's disappointing to meet an Asian who's bad at math. But it's heartbreaking to meet a colorblind who's also racist.

039

2008-06-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

People who park under trees have 'car in shade' on a higher priority than 'car not covered in bird shit.'